Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
