I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can't put those talents on a resume
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
