i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
