Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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