The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
