Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You left your phone here
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