My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
