i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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