Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
