My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize