just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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