I will die if light touches me.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize