moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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