ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize