he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
