you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
