So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
