I hate your face
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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