she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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