I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
