haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
