your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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