You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
