Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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