what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got inside last night via doggy door
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
