I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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