forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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