Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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