drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
