HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
