I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
