Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize