I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
