chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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