i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
