Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
