Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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