ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
