checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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