oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
