If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
