Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I got inside last night via doggy door
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
