Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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