Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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