I just threw up on my dentist
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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