We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
