I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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