My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize