I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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