im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
