new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
