I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
