Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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