I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
