Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
