I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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