I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
