Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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