I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
