escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
